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derpollo-justice:

aquaticwonder:

Are you a piece of art because I’d like to nail you up against a wall

Damn

narwhal-noir:

I took my girlfriend to an improv show the other night and during intermission we were passionately arguing over whether half a 5 Hour Energy shot would give you 2.5 hours of energy or 5 hours of half-assed energy so we turned around to ask the opinions of the three people behind us and one of them said “Are all your arguments like this because we heard you in the lobby earlier fighting over the right way to pronounce ‘egg’?”

tishue:

there’s a group of men on the tv answering a survey about “how much they really know about women” and they asked “which percentage of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone” and they all answered 15 when the real answer was 75 and their faces were just abysmal it gave me life

dutchster:

*walks out of wifi range*
let’s go home